2015

I learnt things last year. Things worth noting down.
I realised that boys can be jerks, that everybody has a different meaning of the word 'love', that an aching heart can lead to an aching body.
I learnt that college can cause exhaustion, so much tiredness that your mental health starts to collapse. I learnt that mothers can provide more support than anyone by just standing next to us, the value of which we realise only when they're gone. I realised that even the most perfect person makes mistakes.
I learnt that it's always okay to cry. It helps. Look in the mirror and cry your heart out till there's nothing left inside, until your heart feels more stable. It's alright to cry. I realised that some people will always love to spite you. That humans can be the most cruel creatures, but there are certain that have a heart of gold. I learnt that there will be people who will talk behind your back, call you names but there will always be people who will ask you if you're okay and compliment you on your every success. There will always be a friend who will make you laugh no matter how terrible life is.
I learnt that music and movies are much more than a source of entertainment. They can make you feel things you never thought you were capable of feeling. They can medicate you.
But my most remarkable lesson of all is that, at the end of the day, I'm the only one I have. When you feel dead inside, hug your body. Wrap your arms around yourself and assure yourself that it'll get easier, that you're not alone, that you're strong enough.
I learnt that I am beautiful, I learnt that while nobody seems to understand me, I understand myself. My most important goal is to satisfy myself. To be proud of myself. You can only try, you can't change everything, but give it your best shot.
I learnt that at the end of the day, the only person who can pick me up from the floor, wipe my tears and make me feel better is myself.
I'm trying to love myself and I hope you do the same for yourself.
Thank you for being such a kind and patient audience. 

At some point of time, it is crucial for me to realize two things:

i) that there is a universe out there in which we don't end up together. 
ii) it is this one.

isn't this supposed to?

And if we were together,
you'd look at the moon at midnight,
and i look at the same moon through my window.
we will be on opposite side of the ocean,
staring at the same spot in space.
No one stares at the sun, that would be dangerous.
It would hurt too much.
But if we are honest with each other,
isn't this supposed to?

Dear anonymous

If we lived in the same town and went to same school, I would've hunted you down and given you a hug, maybe a high five. A greeting card with a cupcake.
I would have told you good job and how proud I am of you for not dying since your last birthday. Hopefully, you can make it another year but no pressure or anything.
If I could, I would gift you a birthday card with no words, only pictures of Skylar Astin's face.
And when you'd open your locker, there will be a cute turtle waiting for you.
And the entire school would break out in a song and dance, the video would go viral and you'd be famous.
But I'm sorry I can't do that for you. All I have is these words and I hope they're enough for you to realise how important you are.
Happy birthday.

Rambling

My mother's trust issue are leaking on my back,

I have my father's nose and his tendency to never call back.

So, I'm sorry for 17 missed calls and 9 voice mails I never played,

And every friend who tried everything, but failed.

I swear I would've loved myself if I had tried too.

I swear I would've been happier if I wasn't me, and you weren't you.

Dear reader,

I'm alive but I'm not. This disease or whatever it is, is eating me. Depression arrives like the winter fog. It covers everyone I love, everything I love and interests me.. And they all seem distant. I dimly feel anything.. Sure, some days are amazing but some days are unbearable. And even when the fog is gone, and it's bright and sunny, the fog is still there around the corner, waiting to catch hold of me. I think tonight it'll succeed. I don't love anyone. I don't hate anyone either. I can't bear another day in this lifeless body. Nothing helps and everything is gone. It was torturing to see myself change from who I was to what I am now.
IF I don't make it through the night, tell mom I'm sorry for the broken plates in the sink.
IF I make it through the night, I'll spend the rest of my life dying.
If I do make it the through the night, pretend i never wrote this and this never happened.
Thank you for the life of a human, but no thanks.
I'll leave you with a question for tonight, reader.
What would you prefer?  Living a lifeless life and dying everyday  or not living at all?
I'm only pulling off the band aid. 

You'll fall in love

I am the wind, the rain, tsunami, the wave;
I will sweep you from your to an early grave;
I am the ocean, the sea, And thereof,
just like that, tumbling, you'll fall in love. 

Fights

He clenched his fist and yelled at her, "I know. I get it. You're fucked up.", while she stood there panting, angrily. "Yes. I know, okay? You're fucked up. I'm fucked up. We are fucked up, aren't we?", he said as he gave out a chuckle. She still stood there, panting. Staring at her with eyes burning with anger. He continued, "You're impulsive. Short tempered. And a total bitch.".
"I am not a.."
"But you get under my skin.. You act like you hate me one moment and can't live without me the next. And I know I never get anything right, and that I don't deserve you.. But God I love you."
She looked at him and titled her face. She did that every time something sweet happened.
He held her face in his hands, "I have loved anything so much. I don't need money, or booze, or one night stands.. All I need is right here in my arms."
They pecked.
She said, "So, you love me?"
"More than anything."
"Okay."
He carried her in her arms and the fights they had never lasted more than 30 minutes.

For the Anon whom commented on 'but I'm mad at you', Thank you.

My attempt on describing broken hearted feelings

Fuck! it's a mess. I'm a mess. 

Six months ago I used to have the universe inside me, and I never let go off that spark that I had in me but since I let you go, it's gone. I seem to have missing something I never thought I had anyway. 

I didn't think it would be so hard to be so far away and remember how I spilled coffee on the white sheets, and you were so angry but I kissed your lips and you cleaned all of that yourself? I didn't think I would remember all the memories so clearly but I guess that's my curse. I need you. And I need the way you look at me. I need you to need me and I need you to keep needing me. My eyes hurt and remember how you used to kiss my eyes whenever I told you they hurt? Maybe it's from all the coffee I've been drinking to keep myself awake because all I see when I shut my damn eyes is yours. 

I am in the bar where we first met; remember how you held my hand under the table and I spilled my beer on the table? Six shots later, I'm still staring at my hands trying to remember how it felt like when they held your face.

You held me when I was shaking and couldn't make proper sentences to explain myself. Where are you now? It's getting bad again and I don't want to live a life where I can't have you.

Note: A very special thanks to the anon who requested me to write something. You have helped me in more ways than you, and thanks a lot. I haven't been writing lately and as it turns out, I can't say no when you ask me to write about something. So, it'll help me a lot if whoever is reading this blog would comment whatever they want me to write about, and I'll try my best to do it for you. Thank you.
                                                                                         

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIFEELNOTHINGAAAAAAAAAA