I’M GONNA BE OKAY
I’VE GOT PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME EVEN WHEN I DON’T REALLY DESERVE IT
I’VE GOT THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO AND PEOPLE TO LOVE AND DOGS TO PET AND RAIN TO LISTEN TO
AND I’M GONNA BE OKAY
WE’RE GONNA BE OKAY.
29/07/2014
21/07/2014
Name
In Sanskrit, my name means love. But in Nepali, my name means rain. Rain. It means sadness, end of summer, destruction.
It was my great-great grandmother's name and now its mine. She was, they said, the only strong woman in our family. She was wild and free. She took care of the horses in our village in Nepal. The only woman in our family who died an unnatural death.
I would've liked to have known her, my great-great grandmother. A wild woman, so wild she wouldn't marry. Until my great-great grandfather chose her to spend his entire life with. As if she was a thing, not a human being. She said no, but our family doesn't like their women strong, hence she was forced to marry him. The story goes she never forgave him; she looked out, sitting by the balcony all day. My great-great grand mother and my great-great grandfather made five kids. I wonder if she made best out of what she had or she felt sorry about all the things she couldn't be.
Not very long after the fifth kid, she jumped off the balcony that she used to sit by. No one in our family talks about her because they thought of her as a bad luck.
The only woman in our family who was free and wild, but couldn't be.
The only woman in our family who didn't want to marry, but had to.
Neha, her name was.
The only woman in our family who died an unnatural death.
I have inherited her name, but I don't want to inherit her place on the balcony.
It was my great-great grandmother's name and now its mine. She was, they said, the only strong woman in our family. She was wild and free. She took care of the horses in our village in Nepal. The only woman in our family who died an unnatural death.
I would've liked to have known her, my great-great grandmother. A wild woman, so wild she wouldn't marry. Until my great-great grandfather chose her to spend his entire life with. As if she was a thing, not a human being. She said no, but our family doesn't like their women strong, hence she was forced to marry him. The story goes she never forgave him; she looked out, sitting by the balcony all day. My great-great grand mother and my great-great grandfather made five kids. I wonder if she made best out of what she had or she felt sorry about all the things she couldn't be.
Not very long after the fifth kid, she jumped off the balcony that she used to sit by. No one in our family talks about her because they thought of her as a bad luck.
The only woman in our family who was free and wild, but couldn't be.
The only woman in our family who didn't want to marry, but had to.
Neha, her name was.
The only woman in our family who died an unnatural death.
I have inherited her name, but I don't want to inherit her place on the balcony.
04/07/2014
A Confession
Tears burst out of my eyes. My body went cold. My heart started beating in my chest like crazy. All the memories were gone. Of us, of the last year I had spent and all the bad things started coming back to my mind to haunt me.
That's the thing about having a history with depression. You never know if it's just one of those days or it's all coming back. I couldn't think of anything. My brain stopped working. My hands shivered, I felt weak on my knees. Everything stopped. I stopped living.
The first time I went in public after that I felt naked. Exposed. Like everyone has seen my scars. My flaws. Every look felt judgmental. I wish I believed in God so I could ask him to punish you for doing this.
People keep telling me it's all right and it'll go away. I just don't think it will. I have lost all my hope in life, in living; I don't want to live.
I read my previous suicide letter today and I don't know, It's fucked. I'm fucked. I can't live like this. I can't disappoint so many people.
It's like I'm playing an annoying video game and I keep dying but they keep giving me another life. And there's no exit button; I'm forced to play that game. It's like.. I don't want to play anymore. I don't more lives. Just let me go. Let me die.
That's the thing about having a history with depression. You never know if it's just one of those days or it's all coming back. I couldn't think of anything. My brain stopped working. My hands shivered, I felt weak on my knees. Everything stopped. I stopped living.
The first time I went in public after that I felt naked. Exposed. Like everyone has seen my scars. My flaws. Every look felt judgmental. I wish I believed in God so I could ask him to punish you for doing this.
People keep telling me it's all right and it'll go away. I just don't think it will. I have lost all my hope in life, in living; I don't want to live.
I read my previous suicide letter today and I don't know, It's fucked. I'm fucked. I can't live like this. I can't disappoint so many people.
It's like I'm playing an annoying video game and I keep dying but they keep giving me another life. And there's no exit button; I'm forced to play that game. It's like.. I don't want to play anymore. I don't more lives. Just let me go. Let me die.
02/07/2014
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