And if you promise to stay conscious, I will try and do the same.
-Bright eyes, Lua.
-Bright eyes, Lua.
23/09/2014
15/09/2014
But I'm mad at you
I love you but I'm mad at you.
Does that even make sense?
This is new to me.
To know that I have the ability and the right to be mad at someone and know that it doesn't mean things are over.
That it doesn't mean things are irreparable.
That it just means that I'm mad, but God, I love you.
I love you.
Now leave me alone.
Does that even make sense?
This is new to me.
To know that I have the ability and the right to be mad at someone and know that it doesn't mean things are over.
That it doesn't mean things are irreparable.
That it just means that I'm mad, but God, I love you.
I love you.
Now leave me alone.
13/09/2014
05/09/2014
I'm rarely mean to others. I have never in my life made fun of anyone's body or pointed out their flaws-not even as a joke. I have never laughed when people stammer when they speak something on the stage for the first time. When I was in school, a girl vomited on my dress because road trips made her sick and I held her hand through it.
I might have not been perfect, and yes, I have made a lot of mistakes. But I don't deserve this is all I know.
No one deserves this.
I really don't. Why is this happening?
When will things be better?
Will everything be better off without me?
I want to feel normal again. It happened almost 6 months ago and I've been carrying it with me and it's growing inside of me. I'm never truly happy. I'm always thinking about it. ALWAYS.
I know I may not make sense right now... But I just want to leave..
23/08/2014
I have no idea how he knows when I need him. We can go months without meeting, but when my sky blue mood turns pitch black, he shows up and tells me that it isn't pitch black, it's actually:
Indigo
Pink
Yellow
Green
Red
Orange
Violet
Brown
White
Purple
Grey
But never black. And suddenly, the pitch blackness of my mood won't seem that dark, it seems more like blackness right before the sunrise.
And he brings the sun.
Indigo
Pink
Yellow
Green
Red
Orange
Violet
Brown
White
Purple
Grey
But never black. And suddenly, the pitch blackness of my mood won't seem that dark, it seems more like blackness right before the sunrise.
And he brings the sun.
10/08/2014
Announcement
Hello, readers. I have planned to start taking up writing prompts to improve my writing skills. As you would've already judged, I barely describe. I write things that you all seem to find relatable and that's why you're reading this right now.
And I'm planning to write a book. Number one rule of writing a book is 'show, don't tell'.
Therefore, this is an announcement that most of my posts will be the writing prompts from all over the internet. I will be posting my own stuff too. You can leave me a writing prompt in the comment box, I would be more than happy to attempt it.
Thank you.
04/08/2014
Life
What you're going through right now is a process. How you're feeling is entirely valid. Ignore people who tell you to "suck it up" or "move on", because you can take as much time as you want to. Breathe. This is all a process. People will change and so will you. Let them change. Let yourself change.
Life is a cycle. Ignore those who tell you that "life goes on". I'm 17 years old and if there's one thing i have learnt is that there is a hell lot of more to it that three simple words. Sometimes life doesn't go on , sometimes it just stops. And you feel like it'll always be the same.You feel like you''ll never be the same again. You know, sometimes in summer when it is too hot, you forget how it feels like when it's cold. Or in winter, it is too cold outside, you forget how it feels like when the weather was hot. But it does get better after summer. And we get summer after winter. Life is the same. Life is a cycle. You may feel like things will never get better, but they will. There will be sun again. It'll snow again. It can't be summer throughout the year. It can't snow every day.
This is all a process, sweetie.
Breathe. Take it all in. Let it happen.
Things will get better.
29/07/2014
21/07/2014
Name
In Sanskrit, my name means love. But in Nepali, my name means rain. Rain. It means sadness, end of summer, destruction.
It was my great-great grandmother's name and now its mine. She was, they said, the only strong woman in our family. She was wild and free. She took care of the horses in our village in Nepal. The only woman in our family who died an unnatural death.
I would've liked to have known her, my great-great grandmother. A wild woman, so wild she wouldn't marry. Until my great-great grandfather chose her to spend his entire life with. As if she was a thing, not a human being. She said no, but our family doesn't like their women strong, hence she was forced to marry him. The story goes she never forgave him; she looked out, sitting by the balcony all day. My great-great grand mother and my great-great grandfather made five kids. I wonder if she made best out of what she had or she felt sorry about all the things she couldn't be.
Not very long after the fifth kid, she jumped off the balcony that she used to sit by. No one in our family talks about her because they thought of her as a bad luck.
The only woman in our family who was free and wild, but couldn't be.
The only woman in our family who didn't want to marry, but had to.
Neha, her name was.
The only woman in our family who died an unnatural death.
I have inherited her name, but I don't want to inherit her place on the balcony.
It was my great-great grandmother's name and now its mine. She was, they said, the only strong woman in our family. She was wild and free. She took care of the horses in our village in Nepal. The only woman in our family who died an unnatural death.
I would've liked to have known her, my great-great grandmother. A wild woman, so wild she wouldn't marry. Until my great-great grandfather chose her to spend his entire life with. As if she was a thing, not a human being. She said no, but our family doesn't like their women strong, hence she was forced to marry him. The story goes she never forgave him; she looked out, sitting by the balcony all day. My great-great grand mother and my great-great grandfather made five kids. I wonder if she made best out of what she had or she felt sorry about all the things she couldn't be.
Not very long after the fifth kid, she jumped off the balcony that she used to sit by. No one in our family talks about her because they thought of her as a bad luck.
The only woman in our family who was free and wild, but couldn't be.
The only woman in our family who didn't want to marry, but had to.
Neha, her name was.
The only woman in our family who died an unnatural death.
I have inherited her name, but I don't want to inherit her place on the balcony.
04/07/2014
A Confession
Tears burst out of my eyes. My body went cold. My heart started beating in my chest like crazy. All the memories were gone. Of us, of the last year I had spent and all the bad things started coming back to my mind to haunt me.
That's the thing about having a history with depression. You never know if it's just one of those days or it's all coming back. I couldn't think of anything. My brain stopped working. My hands shivered, I felt weak on my knees. Everything stopped. I stopped living.
The first time I went in public after that I felt naked. Exposed. Like everyone has seen my scars. My flaws. Every look felt judgmental. I wish I believed in God so I could ask him to punish you for doing this.
People keep telling me it's all right and it'll go away. I just don't think it will. I have lost all my hope in life, in living; I don't want to live.
I read my previous suicide letter today and I don't know, It's fucked. I'm fucked. I can't live like this. I can't disappoint so many people.
It's like I'm playing an annoying video game and I keep dying but they keep giving me another life. And there's no exit button; I'm forced to play that game. It's like.. I don't want to play anymore. I don't more lives. Just let me go. Let me die.
That's the thing about having a history with depression. You never know if it's just one of those days or it's all coming back. I couldn't think of anything. My brain stopped working. My hands shivered, I felt weak on my knees. Everything stopped. I stopped living.
The first time I went in public after that I felt naked. Exposed. Like everyone has seen my scars. My flaws. Every look felt judgmental. I wish I believed in God so I could ask him to punish you for doing this.
People keep telling me it's all right and it'll go away. I just don't think it will. I have lost all my hope in life, in living; I don't want to live.
I read my previous suicide letter today and I don't know, It's fucked. I'm fucked. I can't live like this. I can't disappoint so many people.
It's like I'm playing an annoying video game and I keep dying but they keep giving me another life. And there's no exit button; I'm forced to play that game. It's like.. I don't want to play anymore. I don't more lives. Just let me go. Let me die.
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