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27/06/2013

Am I going crazy?

Do you ever wonder about things that you think no one wonders about, but they do? I mean, when you look at the reflection of your friend in the mirror, it looks weird but when you look at your reflection, it looks just fine? 
Like, when in a train, I look at the railway tracks through the window, and I thinkabout the people who made them and how hard they worked and what a big damage can a single mistake can cause. And when the train changes its track from the first to the second and then to the third,and ahead after a while you see the dead end of the first track and a train on the second track, and I wonder what would've happened if the train I am travelling on was on the first or the second track. 
I also wonder about the small hut made in the middle of an abandoned ground and you can see no one there, no shops, no parks, only the people living in that hut, and I wonder who takes care of them, who feeds them and who talks to them? 
Sometimes I look at people on the train or bus, and I wonder if they're going somewhere or they're coming from somewhere. And if they're running away from someone or if they're running towards someone. What is it that they're running from?
 Sometimes when I listen to the siren of an ambulance, I wonder where is it running to and whoever it is running towards,I hope they are okay.
 Sometimes I look up at the stars and I wonder if someone's staring back. 
And there are times when I wonder why people who are afraid of heights are afraid of heights,and I think it is because some miserable corner of your soul thinks you'd jump and let gravity do its work. And at times,I think about love, how so many people in love. And I wonder is it even real? I also wonder if mirror tells the truth, if people look at me and see what I see in the mirror. 
I wonder a lot about what goes inside the head of people. I wonder what goes on in your head when you listen to me talking or singing. I wonder what is going on in your head right now while you're  reading this. I wonder what goes on into people's head right before they die or kill themselves. I wonder what goes on into the head of people who self harm. I wonder if I really exist or is it all just a good-bad dream. You ever get this feeling? When you look into the mirror and you feel like you're not what you're looking at, like when people look at you, they see something else and mirror is a liar. I wonder a lot. All day, all night. And sometimes I wonder if I am crazy for thinking about all these things that do not matter to anyone . And the next moment I start wondering if these things matter to people.
It's like a labyrinth I am trapped in. Every time I try to get out of it, I end up losing myself all over again.
 How will I ever come out of this labyrinth? 

24/05/2013

Everything's confusing.

I think the reason why I am single is that I haven't found anyone who shares the same thoughts and beliefs as I do.
And if that's the case, I am afraid that I'll always be single.
Because I have no idea what my thoughts and beliefs are, in the first place.
My thoughts are always changing. Always.
One moment, I feel good about life, but the next moment, I feel bad about life.
One moment,  I feel like the prettiest girl in the world, and the next, I hate myself.
How am I supposed to like someone when I don't know what kind of person I want?
I don't even know what kind of person I am.

27/04/2013

I am selfish.


I have a lot of spare time, but I get nothing accomplished.
I complain a lot about the way things are, but never do anything to change.
I say I crave love, but always turn it away when offered.
I'm a walking hypocrisy,  and I don't know if I'll ever be happy with I've got.
I'm just too goddammed selfish and I can do nothing about it.

I don't fear not finding the one.


I have never really been in love. And I am not talking about that one week infatuation, I am talking about real love. Since I have never been in love, I have no idea what is it like. I don't know how people feel like when they're hopelessly in love. I don't know what people do to make someone stay in love them. Do they  even make an effort to stay in love or does the real love always lasts? What is it that keeps them in love? What do two people in love talk about?
I do want to know the answers of these questions,  but I'd wait. I don't want to read or listen to the answer to these questions,  I want to experience it. I want to experience how people feel when they're hopelessly in love,  I want to experience if real love always lasts or do we have to make it last. I want to experience what two people in love talk about exactly. I want to experience what keeps them in love.
But, I have read enough books, heard enough songs and seen enough to know that love is a beautiful thing.
And not finding the one is not my fear, my fear is not falling in love with him.